THE PAC 12
Larry Scott's innovative conference with the innovative network looks to continue to innovate this
season with new and exciting tools to reach the vast market in China.
• All games will kick off at 5 AM Pacific time so that it will be 8 PM prime time in Beijing
• The National Anthem will not be played to show that the Pac 12 is a world league
• Each game will feature an apology for the whole rail worker thing
• A screen of Chairman Mao will be the mid field logo
• The players will be a collective in lieu of getting paid
• Acupuncture will be on the sidelines as part of the concussion protocol
• Three hours after the game is complete we will want to play another one
• Pac 12 TV will not be available on any platform in the US to encourage travel to China
Meanwhile on the field of play, the Conference of Champions enters its 13th year without a national championship in a sport that anyone cares about, like football. Oregon and Washington have had a total of three shots between them to break the streak but have come up short. USC has spent a decade hiring drunks and losers to coach them. It takes a special talent to be mediocre at a school in the middle of future NFL all pros. Stanford has won the league several times but never made the playoffs. Nobody else has mattered.
DEL NORTE DIVISION
1. WASHINGTON HUSKIES
The newly rebuilt Huskies surprised the world last season with a division championship breaking the hold by Stanford and Oregon. The Huskies whipped both teams last year then ran out the string to complete a championship season with only one loss to Darnold University. Stanford transferred to the loaded South Division and Oregon fired long time, beloved coach Mike Helfried. This is Washington's division for years to come.
The Huskies welcome back most of the offense that scored 70 on Oregon and 44 on Stanford.
Unfortunately that includes Jim Browning at quarterback. He doesn't really read my stuff so let me thank him for shitting his pants in the two losses last year. Can he not lose games this year? Can his OC not be a dumbass? Can Chris Petersen get a fucking clue as to how bad his offense is against physical teams? Do I ask a lot of questions? Why do you ask?
The Husky defense is awesome and a throwback to a simpler time when Husky games were shown in America before 11PM. All sorts of nasty characters and bad men return to beat the shit out of league opponents. And frat boys. I like this defense.
The DAWGS host Rutgers in the opener and close out the non league schedule with Lincoln High and the USS Aberdeen. The Huskies miss Darnold U but have to face long time nemesis UCLA instead.
We like UW over Stanford in the Conference Championship game which will be played in Pyongyang .
PREDICTION: 13-0 with a playoff loss to Texas A&M in the first round - jet lag
Snakes in Eugene and across the state of Oregon find themselves today missing their heads as new coach Willie (so you know he's black otherwise it would be William or Bill) Maggert fulfills his vow to cut the head off the snake. We still have no idea what that has to do with football.
Oregon is going to "Do Something" this year. That's what they say. What they are going to do is lose a lot of high scoring games and get curb stomped at 哈斯基体育场 Hā sī jī tǐyùchǎng (Husky Stadium)
The Ducks have the Next Marriot and a bunch of runners and catchers and three midgets left on the defensive line.
PREDICTION: 7-5, BOWL LOSS TO TCU
Cougar fans will be outraged to see such a low prediction for a team that was only 50 points away from a division title last year. Unfortunately those 50 points mark the gap between WSU and UW. Angry Gabe Marks and Tuff Luke Falk will light up the NFL on their way to Canton but they seem to struggle against the Huskies.
WSU has a marvelous collection of student athletes that love the small campus feel and racist cops in Pullman. These are kids who do it the right way unlike the cheating bastards on Montlake. UW is not actually on Montlake as alert readers know. But still.
Martin P Vandal Stadium should be rocking for the Apple Cup after sitting half empty the rest of the season. It is never too early for Apple Cup talk. When talk is all you have that is.
PREDICTION: 11-1, BOWL LOSS TO UTAH STATE
4. OREGON STATE
The Beavs won the Civil War for the first time since the actual Civil War thus immortalizing new Head Coach Barry Alvarez. Badger toughness is the theme for this year's squad. We are hearing that Badgers eat snake heads too. It's a tough time to be a snake in Oregon.
Tomas Tyner got out of his contract at Oregon and signed a free agent deal with Oregon State. Look for Tyner to lead an average rushing attack that is complimented by a poor passing attack. The Beavers are only a few years away from fielding a contending team that is only a couple years away.
PREDICTION: 2-9, NO BOWL
Experts think this ranking may be too high but at DFI we think the Golden Bears are on the verge of a breakout season under new Head Coach Nick Holt. Holt hopes to continue the great tradition of defensive football at Berkeley while hoping to revitalize an offensive presence that is less offensive than the Sunny Dikes era. No word yet on whether this year's big matchup with Washington is a sandwich game, which could be crucial to the Bear's chances. As the Bear's look for another quarterback who knows that the sun rises in the east, we should remind you that Jim Browning went to high school just up the road at Folsom Prison and could have been a Bear but even this bottom feeder didn't want him. Give Holt time Bear fans. This guy is a winner.
PREDICTION: 0-12, NO BOWL
DEL SUR DIVISION
The Indians will be a tough out in the conference championship game but we think UW has turned the tide on this matchup now that Jim Harbaugh is not winning championships at Michigan. Stanford should roll against the loaded Sur though and look to keep up their recent mastery of USC, led by Sam Darnold, the greatest quarterback since Tom Brady. Maybe better.
Head Coach David Shaw will lose games early by playing the wrong quarterback then close strong as he denies that he wants to coach in the NFL. Who would? Shaw is an institution at Stanford and every year has his pick of kids I never blame for taking a Stanford education. Tiger Woods has been hired by his alma mater to handle pain management for the players.
Stanford should be good enough to give the Pac 12 their first ever two teams in the play off even after losing to Washington in the conference championship game.
PREDICTION: 12-1, Lose to Bama in the playoff. Jet lag
Until Country Legend Clay Helton proves he can beat Stanford the Trojans can be no better than second in the rugged Sur. All Everything Sam Darnold broke his inflated head entering a room and may not be available for the season opener. Then he has to think about his family and will probably sit out the rest of the season to protect his pro career. So Helton can play the loser he started last season with on his way to the greatest three loss season EVER. USC beat UCLA and Notre Dame so nothing else mattered. There was a thrilling Rose Bowl win over a
putrid Penn State team that was more like a Vegas Bowl matchup between a couple of also rans. Helton may be for real or he may not. Either way it should be interesting. Or maybe the Chargers or Rams will do something. Did you hear that Lonzo Ball was summer league MVP and the Lakers are BACK? The Dodgers could win the World Series. That's the baseball championship for our millennial readers.
PREDICTION: 8-4 Vegas Bowl win over Penn State
Jim Mora has recruited a roster chock full of future NFL stars who will be sitting out the season to protect their NFL future and to think about their families. They can't afford to wait to sit out the bowl game because the Bruins are unlikely to get a bowl bid. This is Mora's 15th year at UCLA, time really flies when you suck year after year. The Bruins will look good and play poorly other than their Homecoming upset of Washington at the Rose Bowl.
PREDICTION: 1-11 No bowl
We are left with two schools from Arizona, Utah, and Colorado. This could have been Texas, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, and Texas Tech and two schools from Arizona but the innovative Larry Scott didn't want to have a great league, just an innovative one.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say that no one gives a shit about these teams. At all. Utah will go 8-4 and suck Wittingham's dick. Colorado will fall back to 4-8. Arizona will go 2-10 and a certain poster will suck Rich's Rod. ASU is about to fire Ted Graham because he's going 7-5 so why wait?
Nick Saban better stop losing playoff games or he is going to be back in East Lansing. Period. Alabama will not win it all this year. Ohio State will. The Pac 12 won't.